To: Charity Kafula
From: Eugenia Santiago
Subject: Possibly useful additional information we had no time to cover
First of all, just wanted to thank you for your time and patience the other day. It was very helpful to be able to pour it all out without fear of being misjudged.
There’s just a few things I realised we didn’t cover that might be important. Though maybe you already have all the information that you need, I thought I’d send a quick note just in case.
First, is that we never managed to finish the police officer’s story due to shortage of time. I wanted to mention it because I fear that this may have been a delusional episode that lasted years. I mentioned how I began to ‘feel’ that she was tapping into my communications - first my phone, then the internet, then my emails - and how I found ‘confirmation’ of this when the internet stopped working the moment I told my friend over the phone about BT’s mistake. I took this as her doing - I thought she informed BT so that she could get access to my connection and spy on me. There’s another incident that gave me ‘confirmation’ that she was spying on me, though I won’t go into detail.
The thing is that this all happened when my food intolerances were at their worst. I was very sick and depressed, and the whole thing about having my communications tapped by her made me feel trapped like a lab rat. This lasted for several years and by the end of it I was so depressed that I began to get my intense death wishes again. I even bought poisonous seeds online and used to spend hours looking at them and trying to build the courage to take them.
At the time, everything felt very real to me, but now I’m not so sure. Logistically, the whole thing is very improbable. I called once the police to complain and they told me that it was practically impossible for her to tap into my communications, and she would need a warrant anyway. Also, it would have meant her being in front of the computer pretty much all day waiting for my messages, which is very unlikely. I’m a bit suspicious of the ‘confirmations’ that I found of her tapping into my conversations, internet and even emails - they remind me of the antichrist episode of the phone box, when I tried to use it to call the nuns and it wasn’t working, which I took to be his doing. The police officer’s ‘confirmations’ have a very similar feel to it.
All this took place between around 2008 and 2011. What I think happened is that I developed a way of navigating the world as a result of my ‘guiding’ voice that got mixed with more sinister malfunctions of my brain.
I also wanted to talk a bit more about my situation right now. The biggest problem I have is my self-imposed isolation. I mentioned I was very dysfunctional when I was in my late teens and early twenties. In my early 20s, after the rape, I started putting a lot of effort into becoming more integrated in society and to develop my social skills, but despite my good intentions I was subjected to a lot of rejection and have felt heavily judged for my shortcomings. I gradually became more and more withdrawn as a result.
What is also contributing to the problem is my obsession with honouring the promise I made to myself at 13. I mentioned how I got to acquire the values that would help me make my dream come true - through the Buddha book I got this thing about ‘right livelihood’ and ‘right effort’, and then I strongly adopted the value of ‘first obligation and then recreation’. My plan was that once I accomplished my goal I would treat myself to the finer things in life - friendship, relationships, and so on. But because I have not attained it yet, I’m still stuck with the ‘obligation’ and won’t allow myself ‘recreation’ until it’s done. This value is so deeply written in my brain that I almost feel like a slave to it. I can’t get away from it or do things differently.
The two combined - lots of rejection and the sense of obligation toward my goal - make it impossible for me to find a way out of it, or a different way of doing things, so I feel very trapped.
I do wonder how much my reclusiveness is contributing to my food intolerances. While it is quite possible that the bullying I experienced in the past may be contributing to my food intolerances - as a way of staying where ’they’ want me to be - it is also possible that it may be an excuse on my part not to have to confront my inability to be a part of society, my sense of inadequacy and my fear of getting involved in the world.
I also wanted to mention a few things about my ‘highs’. Now that I’m aware of them, I can clearly see that they may have played a big part in the rejection I have experienced, since I used to behave in ways that people would have found strange and difficult to tolerate. I have learnt to control them with meditation, but the only thing is that I feel a bit empty and miss the ‘highs’, which I thought were the authentic me. Also, I get paranoid when I’m with people that I might begin to get high - which it does when I feel happy - so I have to be vigilant of it all the time. This adds up to my desire to remain reclusive.
Again, I’m not sure if you need this information, but wanted to send it to you just in case, since we didn’t have time to cover it. I hope I'm not overloading you!
Thanks again for your help and kind regards,
Eugenia Santiago07815 714 346